I am so angry with everything around this separation. How do I get past these feelings?
– Angry in Austin
Dear Angry in Austin:
Good for you. Sometimes anger is warranted. It makes us aware of unfairness. Anger helps us feel that we are in control. It gives us the impetus and energy to make changes in our lives. It’s an important survival skill. That said, it can also be an uncomfortable place to be. Before you can get past anger, you need to understand why you are angry. Find a safe place and ask yourself some questions to understand the source of your anger.
Find a few, quiet moments to be mindful about your anger. Don’t try to stop it, let yourself feel it. What are the words, or other underlying feelings that are feeding your anger? Often those feelings are the root that needs to be addressed. Feelings such as resentment, abandonment, unfairness, hurt, fear, uncertainty.
Let’s look at abandonment as an example. Often separations can make us feel that way – regardless of who is leading the charge to separate. Take whatever the emotion is that you are feeling and sit with it. Let it build up so you can really feel it. Then apply self-compassion and self-comfort in the same way you would comfort a friend, a sister, or a child. Here are some intentions/phrases you might use to provide comfort.
- I’m so sorry you are hurting (feeling left, abandoned, unloved).
- You are lovable. You deserve goodness in your life. You are loved. (Maybe even bring up the names of specific people who love you as a reminder.)
- Of course you are feeling this way. Every single one of us feels that way, at least once, most of us multiple times. You are not alone, you are not damaged, you are hurting.
Be gentle and tender with yourself. Feel free to repeat phrases. Accept your self-comfort, you deserve it! We all deserve it.