fbpx
  • Search
Content • Community • Compassion
Colorful game pieces with a Help sign.

How to Ask for Help After a Break-up or Divorce

When going through personal upheaval and loss, emotional support will look different for everyone.

It’s very hard for most people to ask for help at any time. When a couple separates or divorces it’s natural that both people will need help. Let’s look at the common place ways that newly single adults need help and then look at best practices for asking for the help we need.

Care is often expressed by offering help. Here is a list of the types of help most people need, separated into categories of the type of help you may need.

Emotional Support

When going through personal upheaval and loss, emotional support will look different for everyone.

If you need to talk to sort out your feelings your friends are probably already aware that this is your coping style. It’s okay to ask them to let you talk.  If you don’t want them to give you suggestions, or cheer you up, let them know that up front, and that you just need them to listen.

If you’re the type of person who prefers to work things out yourself, in your own quiet time, remind you friends and family that you need time to process and don’t want to talk about your feelings, or what’s happening until you’ve been able to do that.  Let them know that this is the best way for them to give you emotional support.

If you want or need more physical contact, initiate hugs or hand holding with those friends and family members who are likely to comfort you in this way.

If you need to rant about your ex – find a safe person who is not a friend with your ex. Tell them that you want to get out the anger, you won’t always feel this way and very importantly, it can’t get back to your ex! If they can respect that and you trust them – rant away.

…consider the skill sets of your friends and family members and match them to your needs list. 

Give your self the love and support you need by honoring yourself and using self-compassion to honor the hurt feelings, guilt feelings, or any negative feeling that you might have. Check out this self-compassion article on our site for tips.

Practical Help

Let’s face it, in relationships each partner tends to manage the tasks that they are comfortable with, or they feel are their strong suit. Conversely, many of us don’t even learn how to do those tasks, because we no longer needed to. No harm, no foul.  Now that you are on your own, you going to need help with these tasks. Task might be immediate, some more long term. Begin by making a list of the practical items you will need help with.  Here’s a short list that might get you thinking about what you need help with.

  • Packing and/or moving
  • Painting a room
  • Hanging pictures
  • Mowing the lawn
  • Cooking meals
  • Plumbing – fixing a leak, unclogging a drain
  • Childcare
  • Editing a resume

Financial Help

Newly separated people are now supporting two households instead of one. Also, statistics from the U.S. Government indicate that only 44% of custodial parents receive full child support payments as agreed. Getting on your feet financially will take time. Add on to the list you’ve already started with the financial help you might need.

Creating a new budget – including finding data for average costs of utilities, mortgage/rent, childcare etc.

Replacing household items that you lost in the split.  Think about using the Splitsvil Gift Registry to let others know what you might need replaced!

No one likes to borrow money, but there are times that we need to ask for support to get our life back on track. If you do this, document how much you are borrowing and the terms for payback.

Update your “Help List” With Possible Candidates, Timelines and Specifics About What is Needed

Consider the skill sets of your friends and family members and match them to your needs list. Make sure the list is very clear and include timelines if they are required. A good list includes:

Young Woman Having Tea and Creating a list
  • Why you need help/can’t do it yourself, or don’t have time.
  • Be ready to explain how their help will impact your life and help you (and/or your kids) to move forward more rapidly.
  • When do you need the help? Is there a deadline for completion? E.g., Moving Date
  • Flesh out the details – If it’s help packing, is anything packed yet? Will you be sorting through items while you pack and create give away or throw away piles? What amount of time are you asking them to spend with you?
  • Other details that might help include who else will be helping, and whether or not you are you providing snacks/meals etc.

How-to-Ask for Help

We all need help sometimes but asking for help can be very uncomfortable. In relationships asking for help is about more than helping to get something done.  It’s an opportunity to get closer by sharing your vulnerability and allowing people to help. Contextualizing your request by letting them know the impact of their help on your life, helps those you love to say yes.  People generally want to be helpful. Don’t beat around the bush be straight forward by saying “I need your help.” If the other person isn’t able to help, chances are they will still be caring and may offer to help in other ways.  They might suggest different ways of getting assistance or other people to ask. Your close friends and family want to help.

Young man with hands on chest

When you ask, don’t demand, be humble, kind and vulnerable. Be willing to learn from the other person if you need their expertise. They may be willing to do it, but at the same time want to teach you how to do it. Give them as much advance notice of your need for help as you can.  If it’s extremely short, explain why and your regret that it is so short.

 

Summary

It’s important to be okay within yourself to ask for help. As humans we are built to be in relationships and to be helpful to one another. Plan well, ask for help when needed and take care of yourself.

little bird

Content, Community, Compassion and Gift Registry for the Newly Uncoupled

Content, Community, Compassion and Gift Registry for the Newly Uncoupled
Read More
Content, Community, Compassion and Gift Registry for the Newly Uncoupled

7 Tips from the Single Mom’s Parenting Handbook

If you’re struggling as a single mother after you’ve separated from your partner, read this…
Read More
7 Tips from the Single Mom’s Parenting Handbook

The Importance of Communicating with Your Ex

Communicating with your ex can be tricky with or without kids. Here are some reasons…
Read More
The Importance of Communicating with Your Ex

6 Tips from the Single Dad’s Parenting Handbook

Don’t let a divorce come in the way of you being the best dad ever….
Read More
6 Tips from the Single Dad’s Parenting Handbook

Co-parenting: How To Make It Work!

Co-parenting can be quite tough but if we are able to find a balance, it…
Read More
Co-parenting: How To Make It Work!

Life After Divorce or a Split: How to Create a Fresh Start?

Life after divorce or breakup should not be the end of everything good. Learn how…
Read More
Life After Divorce or a Split: How to Create a Fresh Start?

Breaking News About Your Break-Up

Did you recently part ways with your partner don’t know how to inform you friends…
Read More
Breaking News About Your Break-Up

How to Mend Your Heart

Learning how to mend a broken heart doesn’t come easily after a split. Here are…
Read More
How to Mend Your Heart

The Best Tips for Coping with Divorce or Separation

Uncoupling can take a toll on your emotional and mental health. Learn how to move…
Read More
The Best Tips for Coping with Divorce or Separation

Splits the second time around, Step Families: Making Things Work for the Kids

Wondering how to divorce a blended family? Here are some practical steps to make the…
Read More
Splits the second time around, Step Families: Making Things Work for the Kids

Emotional Stages of Divorce (& Uncoupling)

Life after divorce is not easy. Yet, acceptance and relief will comfort you once the…
Read More
Emotional Stages of Divorce (& Uncoupling)

How Divorce Affects your Pet(s)?

Wondering how divorce affects your pet (s)?  Prepare yourself for custody battles, separation anxiety, and…
Read More
How Divorce Affects your Pet(s)?

Dear CeCe – Is My Therapist Normal?

Dear CeCe, I have been seeing a therapist to work at getting on with my…
Read More
Dear CeCe – Is My Therapist Normal?

Rom-Coms – Good, Bad or Indifferent on Our Relationship Expectations

Watching rom coms can effect how we measure our romantic relationships
Read More
Rom-Coms – Good, Bad or Indifferent on Our Relationship Expectations

7 Things to Consider Before Getting Back with an Ex

Tips for understanding your motives and how to make it work.
Read More
7 Things to Consider Before Getting Back with an Ex

Dear CeCe – Not Sure He’s a Match for Me

Dear CeCe, I’ve been divorced for over 3 years and have just gone on my…
Read More
Dear CeCe – Not Sure He’s a Match for Me

Dealing with Post Separation Loneliness

Dealing with Post Separation Loneliness. Ways to cope and connect for those newly separated.
Read More
Dealing with Post Separation Loneliness

Dear CeCe – Their Mom is Breaking All the Rules

Dear CeCe, Before our separation, my ex and I kept the kids on a pretty…
Read More
Dear CeCe – Their Mom is Breaking All the Rules

Dear CeCe – My Ex Isn’t Acting Like a Dad

Dear CeCe, My ex and I split up over a year ago. He paid child…
Read More
Dear CeCe – My Ex Isn’t Acting Like a Dad

Starting Over in the Same Bedroom – Time for a Refresh

Get rid of the old memories by making quick changes in your bedroom.
Read More
Starting Over in the Same Bedroom – Time for a Refresh

Dear CeCe – Not Ready Yet

Dear CeCe, I’ve been dating a man for about month now – maybe 6 or…
Read More
Dear CeCe – Not Ready Yet

Healing Music (Part 2) –Songs to Help You Move on From Your Ex

Releasing negative emotions through powerful moving on songs helps.
Read More
Healing Music (Part 2) –Songs to Help You Move on From Your Ex

close
Splitvil Little Bird

Subscribe to Splitsvil.net!

Get weekly notifications
of Splitsvil's latest posts!

We don’t spam!
Unsubscribe anytime.

Written by
Robin & Heather
View all articles

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Written by Robin & Heather

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Splitvil Little Bird

Subscribe to Splitsvil.net!

Get weekly notifications of
Splitsvil's latest posts!

We don’t spam!
Unsubscribe anytime.

%d bloggers like this: