I moved to another state to retire to a fantastic, active, senior community. My grown son just informed me that my ex, his dad is looking at buying a home here, in the same HOA, after my son told him how much I loved it. Apparently, he checked it out online and thinks it’s ideal. It is – but it won’t be ideal for me if he moves here!
We get along well enough, but he married the person he left me for. This is a very social community. I don’t want to see them on a regular basis. is there a polite way to say no?
– How can I stop my ex from moving?
Dear How Can I Stop My Ex From Moving,
Ouch!! I can feel the impending awkwardness. That said, I know multiple ex couples that are very social with one another, and they all seem to get along. They could be good actors, or possibly they found a way to remain friends and let go of the past.
When you relate your story, sharing that your ex left you for his current wife, I sense that you may still be hurting. A wound of betrayal or being left, can linger for years. It can even cause us to question our own self-worth. I hope that you know that his actions are all about him and are no reflections on you as a person. You are deserving of love and joy. I encourage you to let go of the past. Forgive him, forgive them. Focus on loving and accepting you. When feelings of hurt, or nagging thoughts of anger or self-doubt arise, choose to let the thoughts go, and take space to actively remind yourself that you are loved. If it helps, picture the people whose love means the most to you, and let yourself feel their love in the moment.
The sad truth is you have no control over what your ex chooses to do. If you feel he would respect your feelings, you could think about having a direct conversation with him, letting him know how uncomfortable living so close together would be. That could be enough to get him thinking and may cause him to make another choice. However, it could allow him to hurt you again, by disregarding your feelings and doing whatever he wants. That could increase the hurt you already feel.
I urge you to focus on you. Take care of you. Love yourself. Believe in your own self worth and don’t let anyone take it from you. If they become part of your social circle, don’t let the past define you or them. Consider it an opportunity to deal with and let go of the any hurt, or negative feelings. I am sending you love and encouragement and permission to focus on you. Healing is work, but work that will leave you with greater joy.