I’m wondering how much contact with an old flame is appropriate when you’re in a married relationship.
My wife is keeping in touch with her first love, and I worry that she still has feelings for him. She has shared personal information with him about our relationship, letting him know when we’ve been having problems with our marriage or children. I’ve shared that I am uncomfortable with their closeness, and she tells me I am worried about nothing, that they are just friends.
Although I realize I can’t control who my wife sees and talks to, nor do I want to, I do feel like this is disrespectful to me.
– I am jealous, but am I wrong?
Dear I am Jealous,
I am sorry for the hurt you are experiencing. No feeling is ever wrong. Some feelings, such as jealousy, could be a sign of insecurity in your relationship. Every marriage, every relationship is different. My best advice to you, is to first understand why this relationship causes you to be jealous. Is it due to previous experiences with other people, or is it part of a bigger picture in your relationship with your wife? Get to the heart, to the real cause of why you are jealous.
In this specific instance, you might feel better, by getting to know her ex. Invite him over for dinner or a game night. You may well gain another friend.
If it’s something deeper, remember good relationships include trust, mutual support, and a real desire for each other’s happiness. Once you understand your own feelings, talk with your wife. If your insecurity is due to issues in previous relationships, share that information. If it’s part of a general feeling of insecurity in your relationship, not feeling heard, not enough time together etc. share those feelings and ask her to work with you, as you work on yourself to overcome them.
Bottom line is this, you need to know yourself, communicate your needs, and take it upon yourself to find creative solutions. If she doesn’t respond, there maybe issues she is having that she hasn’t shared, and is finding help or comfort in this ex. It’s okay for you to ask how you can help her or if there are any issues, she has a hard time speaking with you about. Understanding her is as important as understanding yourself.
Good luck! Don’t spend any more time feeling jealous or feeling disrespected. Seize this opportunity to create a better relationship.